I think im going to throw up on grandma
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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