My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My bed smells like the plague
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
