it's too hot outside to masturbate.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
