After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
