apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
