...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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