Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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