She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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