My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
