the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
