True but thats because hes a fetus.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
