i wish my penis had a tongue
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
