i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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