She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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