god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Alive.
So much puke
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize