You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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