I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my shit smells like andre
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
