just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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