Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
