she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
