areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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