there's paper in my vomit.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
