her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
