I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
