I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
