I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
