Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
