I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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