There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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