he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
