my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
