Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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