"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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