i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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