You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
