Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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