in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
