pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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