Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
