He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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