your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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