Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
