No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
