Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
It was confusing and full of hummus
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
