Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
