Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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