Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
