The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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