I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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