i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
