Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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