Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
