I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
