you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
