mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Still dying that you shit outside
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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