I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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