I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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