It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
