yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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