Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
