You're completely useless in the revolution.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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