I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
