So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
